Monday, December 23, 2013

How to become a Viral Offending Pro in 2014

Looking for a new job? Exploit or create a victim that was offended by strangers on the internet or TV. Here are 5 steps on how to employ yourself as a "VIRAL OFFENDING PRO" in 2014:

Step 1: Find a phrase or quote from someone on the internet or TV that was deemed offensive by someone. It doesn't have to necessarily offend YOU, but someone or some group. TIP: Start with Liberal social media sites/blogs or Conservative Christian websites/gun advocate fan pages. Lots of content there.

Step 2: Copy said offensive quote then paste/share the quote or link on your own "news" blog, social media page, website and message/email it to all of your friends, followers, etc. The key is to get as many people to read this offensive quote as possible. Also, make sure to add your own opinion as to why this quote is offensive and/or why someone should be highly offended by it.

Step 3: Watch the number of offended people grow. It WILL happen. You just have to have faith that you've found an offensive enough quote, statement and/or article and that you've done a successful job of spreading it.

Step 4: Show potential advertisers how many followers, visitors or fans you're accumulating on your blog, website or social media page and convince them they should show their ads on your respective site(s).

Step 5: Collect money from said advertisers. Congratulations, you're now making a passive income by exploiting and/or creating victims that had no idea they should be upset until they were informed by you, they ought to be.

WARNING: If you are too successful, you may be hired by a major media organization to do this full time, although you're title will likely change from Viral Offending Pro to Pop Culture Reporter.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Donate to the NRA by shopping at "Freedom Firearms Retail Gun Emporium"

Dear Gun Slinger,

Please increase sales of handguns, semi-automatic rifles, shotguns, bullets and other artillery by donating to the NRA today!  That's right. The government don't got your back - you gotta protect your own, boy! So pause that episode of "Boogeymen in Your Backyard" and get in your truck. Come on now, you know damn well "Mass Murder Headlines" will be rebroadcast later tonight. It is time to increase your artillery - get to it! Seriously get off your ass. You can watch the "Kill Hard" trilogy again later, that is why you bought the DVD signature, platinum-gold boxed set, remember?

Okay, good, got you off the couch. Now, pull out that tampon - strap on that snakeskin belt - grab your bill fold and start gassing it towards one of our fine retailing partners like "Freedom Firearms Retail Gun Emporium". Located at the corner of Arms Street and 2nd Avenue, Freedom Firearms is your one-stop shop to take care of all your irrational fears, misguided paranoia, and ignorant rage. 

Think that black man you made eye contact with last week, is still casing your pole barn? Go get him TONIGHT! - with a Serbu pump action from Freedom Firearms - just small enough to conceal in your bibs, while you follow him home to the ghetto or wherever the fuck he lives.

Have a feeling your wife is cheating on you? Come on down to Freedom Firearms and pick up one of our Saturday Night Specials, to make her night a little less special...without blowing all your cash in the process.

Or perhaps you're just plain tired of that faggoty, purple-haired hipster kid doting on your daughter; nothing that a high-powered rifle through his Euro-trash car window can't fix. 

We don't really care to know your motive, we just wanna sell you more guns and ammo; so keep your personal shit, personal and we'll stay profitable.  So long as it'll be your first time shooting a stranger, a wife, or a punk, the law says you have a right lock, load and unload, and we don't gotta know nuthin' about it. be clear, just because our guns and ammo sales WILL spike after customers like you go on a murderous rampage, please do not look to us for positive acknowledgement afterwards. We'll be too busy taking the opportunity to sell your neighbor a gun based on the fear you instilled in him, while simultaneously writing press releases, employing gratuitous combinations of nouns and verbs like, "prayers", "thoughts", "hearts", "sadness", "freedom", "security", "protection", "God", "justice", and "rights". 

Okay, so get to Freedom Firearms today and don't forget their slogan, "If you stand your ground, we'll sell you another round."  Now go on boy, exercise that 2nd Amendment. Lord knows you ain't exercising much else these days!



Sunday, September 16, 2012

Plan it or Exit?

Dear Human,

We have a special gift, and ask that you use it.
It wasn't an accident, when we chose to diffuse it.

But instead we're still stuck, by addicts who booze it.
Sucking our blood, they bust it and bruise it.

A needle screwed in, you couldn't refuse it.
Your master of markets, now demands you abuse it.

Broke and afraid, they expect you'll excuse it.
Those greedy enough, earn profits to misuse it.

But a stolen win early, means your future may lose it.
It is time to wake up, for you're due to accuse it.

The needle grows dirty, your freedom unscrews it.
The time has now come, but only if you choose it.

Urgently yours,

Renewable Energy

Friday, September 14, 2012

An Atheist can give in Life what a Monotheist expects to gain in Death

The Religious may fear Atheism's influence most for it is the greatest defense against the most powerful weapon Religion holds over it's current Believers: fear of a punishment in life and in death. Atheism punishes no one in life, and so in turn, there is no need to feel frightened by the punishment their Believing counterparts may face when pondering death. Because there is no hierarchical-head-of-power in Atheism, it is by nature, rooted in the notion that human beings (as a species) are equals, and without a higher power to justify the existence of inequality and human suffering, Atheism must hold only itself accountable for human equality and/or the lack thereof. On the other hand, Monotheistic faiths do rely on a supreme hierarchical-head-of-power, it creates by nature, a root sense of inequality between humans and their God; Yes, the monotheistic God may preach about the goodness of creating equality among humans, however, He ultimately dictates that humans are powerless to stop the inequality among their fellow man; instead holding only the power to stop their own inequality they may suffer on judgment day and for eternity thereafter. This gives Believers a reason to justify not only the existence of inequality among their species - but an ability to reconcile inequality's most extreme consequence, human suffering- by accepting it as "part of God's plan" - a part not even a prayer can stop them from being a part of. To a Believer, God is supremely responsible for allowing the death of every human below Him, whereas because an Atheist recognizes only the living beings around them, they feel wholly and selflessly responsible for the life of every human being around them. For this reason, it seems that Atheists have the ability to get closer one another, and thus feel naturally more accountable and empowered to creating more equality and less suffering among their species. Unlike Monotheism, Atheism does not feel obligated to share its love or time honoring a God it is powerless over. There is much love and understanding in a human being's living existence, and so when an Atheist ceases to exist, they can find much comfort in knowing that during their life, they were able to give it all to those around them, because they expected nothing from death in return.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

In honor of Chris Stevens, Ambassador to Libya

In an era where opportunistic politicians, manipulative religious leaders and angry, ignorant Americans choose war over peace in the world, the Ambassador to Libya, Chris Stevens stood humbly above the rest, in life and in death. Ambassadors are some of our the world's greatest champions, as they put themselves in harms way- to attempt the nearly impossible job- of trying to convince even the most dangerous and stubborn nations and leaders of the world, to pursue a path of peace and diplomacy among each other.....even when the actions of a misguided group of foolish, worthless monsters are willing to kill you for it. It is time we honor the diplomats of our society and acknowledge the many conflicts that have been avoided because of their selfless sacrifice to humanity as a whole. With great tragedies, such as the recent attacks on our embassies, we are given a unique opportunity to show not only the world, but to ourselves, that we have evolved enough as a species, to rise above our anger and fear - so that we may see beyond the pit of revenge and violence - to a place where forgiveness and humanity are the only Divine and the high road never ceases to yield to it's purpose. Thank you for your service, Chris Stevens, you are an inspiration to creating a world where a man of character, integrity and peace not only stands above a man of power, deception and death, but does so without that man feeling the weight of your boot. You will be missed most by those closest to you, and never forgotten by those who cared to understand your closeness to humanity.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

The 12 Things...The way I see it

But Saint Paddy is here, to feed me my beer.
Let us finish your frisky and stein.

We have plenty of energy, for us all to use it.
Yet we fight it and rule it, like addicts we booze it.
Playing it to win it, so others will lose it.
Enabling the masters who know how to rou$e it.
Lost and confused, they'll forever abuse it.
The solution is ours, if only you'd choose it.

The rhyming is bad. But not worth being sad. For the nursery is mine. Yet another silly line.

Oh once, once again, I find myself in, a fantasy of glitter and gold.
Yes a dunce that does grin, with spite and chagrin, perhaps bitter, but also so bold.

The 12 Things....The wAy I see it
1. Seeking the truth is worth more than catching the lie.
2. Youth's naivety is the cure for the "elderly's" fear.
3. Advertiser's make us look like fools.
4. The message justifies the means.
5. Run with others.
6. Freedom of speech is a privilege we must learn, not a right to exploit.
7. The power of only is weaker than the power of many.
8. Imagination is what we all want. Following it is what we truly need.
9. Losing is a noble art. Winning is a noble a show.
10. The Earth is blind to our differences; Money is blind to our Similarities.
11. Weakness takes pain to show itself.
12. The only difference between a confidence man and multimillionaire, is time.
13. A title is a slave to expectation.
14. Generosity values time. Greed values money. People are the exchange rate.