Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Old Man and the Ribs

There I was there drinking a beer by myself as usual.
This old ,old, old man slowly walked over to the bar.
He took off his cowboy hat, his skin was so white, like parchment-
And looked over the menu for like an hour slowly drinking a whiskey water.
I never took my eyes off him.
His skin was stretched over his old brittle bones-
He must have been 140 years old.
Eventually he ordered a very specific meal from the menu.
Barbecue ribs were placed in front of him-
And I watched intently as he devoured the entire rack, small bite by small bite.
Snapped every bone clean of meat-
With his tiny, efficient teeth.
But during the middle of the meal, he must have noticed me watching him-
Yet I couldn't take my gaze off of him
So the last two bones, we just stared at each other as he slowly finished his ribs-
And I could only think that he was eating human bones-
And regenerating his life.
I think he gave me a slow smile while eating the last bone-
And licked his lips.

Friday, December 4, 2009

What is more "American": Mexicans or Entitlement?

Let all of the Mexicans into America. They deserve a shot at the dream the same way that we Europeans got when we came in and wiped out the Native Americans. However, they, the Mexican people, don't come in brandishing a Smith and Wesson, but rather a shovel and a determination to earn their freedom from bleak economic circumstance. They represent the antithesis of entitlement, that ugly little "talent" that has begun to fill our universities in record numbers with soldiers of inherited fortunes being consigned to colleges that continue to graduate these soldiers because they had the money to buy their degree and in turn buy their treadmill career as an unoriginal cog in the machine of corporate ubiquity where economic dominance is the reward.

These entitled soldiers of inherited fortune earned their degree by socializing, drinking and passing classes in their free time. Earning their degree in the purest form- through learning- is no longer necessary for the 21st century post high school education. So long as the "students" have an IQ over 100 and a drive that compels them towards escaping failure (ie getting a passing grade), they will continue to "succeed" and get their degree of white-collar entitlement enabling them to buy wealth at the cost of human currency, or just end up with $50,000+ in debt.

For those without degrees, those complaining about the Mexicans taking their blue collar jobs- pick up the pace, and do it better than they do- work harder- or would you rather create some sort of white trash affirmative action group to save your place in line amongst the rest of the lazy union-entitled scabs who claim their ability to speak English makes them worth a damn.
We need to realize that America shouldn't be a place that blocks itself off from the rest of the world in order to save our lowest common denominator from being unemployed. America is an idea that represents opportunity to all that want it bad enough- not just opportunity for those lucky enough to have been born on its soil. We made America great in the past by embracing those bold enough to charge into the country and work it for all its worth thus creating value for all.

The term "brain drain" was exemplified by the best and the brightest wanting to exodus from their own country's homeland for a better opportunity. This was a good thing for America in the past, but have now become frightened and are shutting our doors in the name of security to live in a place where many great minds flee back to their native countries while lesser minds flourish in a police state corralling the trash whose idea of a job is pumping out kids to inflate their welfare checks and patronize a disgusting existence.

Why does this work? Because we continue to nurture the "talent" of entitlement which knows no bounds in America- from the highest skyscraper to the lowest trailer park, this entitlement continues to charade as patriotism while poisoning our integrity and alienating foreign relations.

Its time to open the doors again America, put down our weapons and let us reflect who we were once proud to be. Let us see the greatness of America through the eyes of a Mexican, a Korean, an Iraqi, a Russian or the many others that came to this country for the pursuit of happiness, the real dream, not this withering flower of nepotism, entitlement and complacency.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

11 Things I Wish on 11/11 at 11:11

11. I wish companies would spend more money on R & D and less on marketing the illusion of it.

10. I wish people would live a reality life, not watch it.

9. I wish advertisers feared content and not the other way around.

8. I wish parents would view teachers as educators, not as scapegoats for their own negligent parenting.

7. I wish the government wasn’t saturated by lawyers- it’s like inmates amending the rules of the prison.

6. I wish the world would realize that global warming is not the issue, but rather pursuing renewable energy sources for the future is and only in that pursuit will we be able to not only reduce global warming, but have enough energy to survive as a growing society.

5. I wish people would stop hating each other and instead hate what they’ve become.

4. I wish US citizens would realize that although the news media attempts to be objective, we can only truly understand a story from first-hand experience making ignorance inevitable so instead of fearing it we should instead embrace other sources of enlightenment besides the news media. Our elders would be a good place to start.

3. I wish to argue that if “Freedom is not Free”, “Greed is Good” and “Crime deserves Punishment”, we will always be free to afford a silk hat and put it on our pig without ever being punished for it.

2. I wish that modern religion would better seek compassion and lose the intolerance it condones.

1. I wish I was free of the hypocrisy that this list unavoidably exposes.

Monday, November 9, 2009

15 Things I Learned to Expect from the Business Side of the Surfing Market

15. Being called “bra” a lot even though they probably call you a “kook” behind your back.

14. At a restaurant if you can’t surf better, fight better or beg better, you are picking up the bill.

13. Communication skills that resemble a cross between a child, a stoner and someone with Tourette’s syndrome.

12. Something is considered eco-friendly if uses the word “green” on the packaging and features a drawing of something in nature, like a leaf, the color brown, or a tire.

11. Politics in the industry are similar to that of Washington D.C., but instead of buttons that say “Vote YES to The Rhetoric Bill of 2010”, they are stickers that say “Buy my brand so I can surf and you can pay my pimp".

10. Everyone is a surf phenomenon just on the verge of “blowing up”- all they need is like “$500 bucks a month or you, know like $200 bucks or maybe just a free set of shades or a t-shirt or a hat or whatever bra, ya know?"

9. Everyone has a nickname, and many don’t know themselves as anything but that.

8. If their best friend is riding for your competition you are only a sponsorship check away from them verbally abusing that best friend behind their back.

7. Phone calls from their end many times involve some form of manipulation, unfounded excitement and random lapses in speech patterns followed by coughing.

6. Random acts of erratic, sometimes violent behavior where the word “bra” is used along with lots of posturing, and yelling.

5. Large hotel room bills due to heavy damage and/or marijuana fines in some form.

4. Every surfer in the industry is a photographer, a filmmaker, a graphic artist, a sales rep, a pro surfer, or a self-proclaimed brand. They are all the best at their particular trade and, yes, being a “self-proclaimed brand” is something you can be the best at.

3. If you aren’t selling drugs to pay the bills, your competition is.

2. It is an industry where all you need to create a brand is a printing press, a computer and 10 friends that can’t afford a printing press or a computer, but can afford the free t-shirt you give them to promote your “brand”.

1. Always remember that surfing is a lifestyle of surfing, getting laid, smoking pot, promoting, drinking, talking shit, surfing and waking up when you are 40 wondering what happened to the sponsorship you were supposed to get paid on- after all, you fucking made that brand because you rip, bra!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

15 things to expect at a Jonas Brothers concert on their 2009 World Tour

1. 90% of the crowd will be girls with an average age of 13. The other 10% will be Mom's, Dad's and pedophiles.

2. The genuine sense that these girls would join the Taliban if the Jonas Brothers told them to.

3. Screams so magnificent they would make the entire armed forces embrace ear muffs as standard issue equipment for fear of permanent spacial disorientation.

4. A trampoline in the middle of the stage that the Jonas brothers will bounce on while dazzling the stage with multicolored lights and fueling the chant of a ravenous bunch of prepubescent teens.

5. Cameras flashing so steadily and consistently that it makes the paparazzi look like children fumbling with Fisher Price Cameras.

6. The testosterone filled roar of a sports stadium will now be pale in comparison to the maniacal shrieking that occurs when a song has ended and a new song begins

7. Sweat dripping off your face for no apparent reason at all.

8. A chance to cool off when two of the Jonas brothers sweep the audience on a crane while spraying hoses to dowse the frenzied crowd.

9. The Jonas Brothers making it rain on stage- the rain will form the shape of hearts and the letters: L.O.V.E, literally.

10. A sense that you might seize at any given moment

11. Nick Jonas playing a shiny white piano that simultaneously spins while he sings about his battle with diabetes and tells the audience that they are his inspiration for fighting this disease.

12. Recurring nightmares of being trampled by Sketchers, glitter and pigtails.

13. Wondering if a Jonas Brothers concert is what a schizophrenic person might feel like after taking LSD and walking into a Hansen concert

14. Realizing that you may never again see this kind of crowd so dizzy with innocent excitement

15. A warped and twisted, yet quite exciting time