Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Survival of the Fattest-Our Modern Economy Needs YOU!

It has been 10 years since we partied like it was 1999, yet the party hasn't stopped. We are now broke, fat and still believing that our New Year's resolution to spend less on junk or to eat less of it will actually happen. It won't and why should it? It is 2010 and there is still plenty to buy and even more to eat. We must remember that it is now Survival of the Fattest and that Survival of the Fittest has been dying for decades.

Our economy does not thrive on those who are Fit, but rather pulsates to the beat of the obese and unfit. How else could 13,000+ McDonald's exist, without Survival of the Fattest. How could Coca Cola stand so tall as a multi-billion dollar sugar water enterprise without Survival of the Fattest? What kind of money could private hospitals be making if we didn't have the unfit to patronize their vacancies? Who would fill the 30 second commercial spots from Frito Lay, Miller Lite or Jenny Craig if the Fat weren't thriving on their couches.

Nielsen's whole rating system would have to change if it couldn't bank on the consistently predictable behavior of the fat and lazy to buy what they see and eat what they buy and keep coming back for more. So long as marketeers and ad agencies continue to dazzle us with "new and improved" products, Survival of the Fattest will continue.

Note from Kraft: It is now "Made with more cheese", "Made with real cheese" and there is "A pound of cheese in every bag".

Who cares about the cheese you say?
I do, but only if there is more of it.

Health Clubs, Health Magazines and Diet Supplements don't rely on the fit to buy, they rely on the fit to sell and since companies need a helluva a lot more buyers than sellers to stay in the black, survival of the fattest is necessary to keep these "Health" institutions alive.

Core clientèle of fat and lazy people feel good about joining the gym, better about the "Eat more chocolate-get skinnier" article in Redbook and best about drinking a Slim Fast for breakfast, another for lunch and gorging at dinner because, "Hey, you deserve it"! And why wouldn't you deserve it? I mean, in a system where a healthy person's insurance premium pays for your triple bypass surgery, keeping you fat ones alive is crucial to showing the world that if you are fat, you still deserve to live happily, because your survival is key to keeping our doors of business open and inpatient care the norm, not the exception.

Survival of the Fattest reflects the need for us to continue drinking Mountain Dew, eating quadruple-sized portions of processed junk, while annihilating our livers with cheap beer and hard liquor. The day at the office was long, stressful and your feet are tired from walking to the elevator- of course you don't have time to cook your kids a healthy breakfast or dinner. Rather it is better to groom our kids early towards a life of diabetic bliss- we must make sure they fall in love with Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam and the Trix Rabbit early in life, before their foolish little minds are influenced by health nuts preaching that cardboard tastes good and Lipitor is something they should fear.

Note from Kraft: Kraft noodles are "enriched", which means that all of the nutrients are taken out during initial processing and then injected back in later so as to enlighten consumers to their "enriched" qualities.

If you are not enlightened yet, keep eating, it will come.

If you are too fat to walk, who cares, you can still surf the web, watch cable and even get insurance to pay for a motorized chair so you can glide your way through the fattest existence you can muster- just remember to keep your will power strong, your appetite stronger and don't worry, those folds will only smell when the doctor has to lift them once-a-year at your physical- No yeast, no cookies, and we can't have no cookies, so the yeasty folds in your body should stay just as they are: moist and supple.

In conclusion, it is quite clear that Survival of the Fattest is crushing Survival of the Fittest and for good reasons...many mentioned above. It just is a shame that Darwin could not have foreseen how foolish his theory of evolution was when applied to the 21st Century Capitalist economy. So long as the Fat Survive, the Fit will be forced to live a life of less. And we know that a life of less is for Africans and Monks, not for respectable Americans who want to grow their economy by eating it. It begins with one "all-you-can-eat" buffet and will only end when health care can no longer support your bloated, festering existence.

So keep your fingers crossed that modern health care continues to cater to the Survival of the Fattest, and doesn't let Survival of the Fittest show its sunken, ugly face ever again. Cheers to the Fat and my regards to the Fit- you gave it a good run since the beginning of time, but now it is time to be eaten to death. Just remember that obesity is a luxury we can all afford.

This message was brought to you by Kraft, a veteran sponsor in the battle against the Fit.