Thursday, October 28, 2010

Response to "You may Be a Muslim"

After recently receiving an email forward entitled "You may be a Muslim" inspired by Jeff Foxworthy, I saw it as my Christian American duty to respond with a modified version entitled: "You may be an American Christian". This entry is followed by the original Muslim version.

"You may be a Christian American"

1. You continue to sell widgets for a living that do nothing good for anyone except your bank account, but you have a moral objection when the government doesn't give you a tax break for it
You may be a Christian American

2. You own $600,000 mortgage and a $60,000 Mercedes, and you can't afford either
You may be a Christian American

3. You've been divorced 3 times, yet have a problem with same-sex marriage
You may be a Christian American

4. You buy jewelry that was harvested by kids killing each other with machine guns in Africa, but you consider Africa it's own problem
You may be a Christian American

5. You understand the world as two parts: American and scary
You may be a Christian American

6. You can't think of any of your friends that know anything about Muslims or much about anything outside of some fairy tale about Jesus
You may be a Christian American

7. You don't consider television dangerous, and carry on believing everything that it spits out at you, because you haven't had an original thought since the day you bought the "American Dream"
You may be a Christian American

8. You were amazed to discover that forwarding emails like this are one of the reasons terrorists exist
You may be a Christian American

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should have at least four mistresses.
You may be a Christian American

10. You are clearly dumber than the President of the United States (I know his long-term goals are hard to understand and it stifles your simple, selfish, short-term motivations)
You may be a Christian American

11. You find this email unpatriotic and feel insecure/angry after reading it and don't forward it because you're afraid it might be true
You may be a Christian American

"You may be a Muslim"

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes..
You may be a Muslim

3. You have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim

10. Your cousin is president of the United States .
You may be a Muslim

11. You find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.
You may be a Muslim

Monday, March 15, 2010

15 Reasons Why Las Vegas reflects the American Way

15. It supports the philosophy that the more money you spend, the better you are treated
14. It provides a catchy slogan that justifies infidelity
13. It's real estate economy is driven by gambling
12. A modern wonder of the world, the Hoover Dam, providing electricity to be squandered in the name of free enterprise
11. It is a place where being someone you are not is encouraged
10. It made stamped concrete the new marble and is accepted as such
9. In Las Vegas, those engaging in the same risky behavior over and over again with similar results are considered bold, not insane
8. It teaches you that if something is newer and bigger, its worth at least 2 hours of your time to wait in line for it
7. It's founding was financed by criminal activity
6. Blacking out there usually inspires bonding amongst strangers, who in turn remain strangers the next day
5. Like a carnival game, your consolation for spending money is usually tickets redeemable for something you never would've have paid for otherwise
4. The theme of the City is generally a facade that people aspire towards
3. It set up shop in a desert that runs enough fresh water through it to make the 3rd world drool
2. Celebrity chefs are as common as the tastes that they cater to
1. Like the diamond industry, Las Vegas has convinced millions of people to spend two months salary where odds are over 50% that you will lose

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Survival of the Fattest-Our Modern Economy Needs YOU!

It has been 10 years since we partied like it was 1999, yet the party hasn't stopped. We are now broke, fat and still believing that our New Year's resolution to spend less on junk or to eat less of it will actually happen. It won't and why should it? It is 2010 and there is still plenty to buy and even more to eat. We must remember that it is now Survival of the Fattest and that Survival of the Fittest has been dying for decades.

Our economy does not thrive on those who are Fit, but rather pulsates to the beat of the obese and unfit. How else could 13,000+ McDonald's exist, without Survival of the Fattest. How could Coca Cola stand so tall as a multi-billion dollar sugar water enterprise without Survival of the Fattest? What kind of money could private hospitals be making if we didn't have the unfit to patronize their vacancies? Who would fill the 30 second commercial spots from Frito Lay, Miller Lite or Jenny Craig if the Fat weren't thriving on their couches.

Nielsen's whole rating system would have to change if it couldn't bank on the consistently predictable behavior of the fat and lazy to buy what they see and eat what they buy and keep coming back for more. So long as marketeers and ad agencies continue to dazzle us with "new and improved" products, Survival of the Fattest will continue.

Note from Kraft: It is now "Made with more cheese", "Made with real cheese" and there is "A pound of cheese in every bag".

Who cares about the cheese you say?
I do, but only if there is more of it.

Health Clubs, Health Magazines and Diet Supplements don't rely on the fit to buy, they rely on the fit to sell and since companies need a helluva a lot more buyers than sellers to stay in the black, survival of the fattest is necessary to keep these "Health" institutions alive.

Core clientèle of fat and lazy people feel good about joining the gym, better about the "Eat more chocolate-get skinnier" article in Redbook and best about drinking a Slim Fast for breakfast, another for lunch and gorging at dinner because, "Hey, you deserve it"! And why wouldn't you deserve it? I mean, in a system where a healthy person's insurance premium pays for your triple bypass surgery, keeping you fat ones alive is crucial to showing the world that if you are fat, you still deserve to live happily, because your survival is key to keeping our doors of business open and inpatient care the norm, not the exception.

Survival of the Fattest reflects the need for us to continue drinking Mountain Dew, eating quadruple-sized portions of processed junk, while annihilating our livers with cheap beer and hard liquor. The day at the office was long, stressful and your feet are tired from walking to the elevator- of course you don't have time to cook your kids a healthy breakfast or dinner. Rather it is better to groom our kids early towards a life of diabetic bliss- we must make sure they fall in love with Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam and the Trix Rabbit early in life, before their foolish little minds are influenced by health nuts preaching that cardboard tastes good and Lipitor is something they should fear.

Note from Kraft: Kraft noodles are "enriched", which means that all of the nutrients are taken out during initial processing and then injected back in later so as to enlighten consumers to their "enriched" qualities.

If you are not enlightened yet, keep eating, it will come.

If you are too fat to walk, who cares, you can still surf the web, watch cable and even get insurance to pay for a motorized chair so you can glide your way through the fattest existence you can muster- just remember to keep your will power strong, your appetite stronger and don't worry, those folds will only smell when the doctor has to lift them once-a-year at your physical- No yeast, no cookies, and we can't have no cookies, so the yeasty folds in your body should stay just as they are: moist and supple.

In conclusion, it is quite clear that Survival of the Fattest is crushing Survival of the Fittest and for good reasons...many mentioned above. It just is a shame that Darwin could not have foreseen how foolish his theory of evolution was when applied to the 21st Century Capitalist economy. So long as the Fat Survive, the Fit will be forced to live a life of less. And we know that a life of less is for Africans and Monks, not for respectable Americans who want to grow their economy by eating it. It begins with one "all-you-can-eat" buffet and will only end when health care can no longer support your bloated, festering existence.

So keep your fingers crossed that modern health care continues to cater to the Survival of the Fattest, and doesn't let Survival of the Fittest show its sunken, ugly face ever again. Cheers to the Fat and my regards to the Fit- you gave it a good run since the beginning of time, but now it is time to be eaten to death. Just remember that obesity is a luxury we can all afford.

This message was brought to you by Kraft, a veteran sponsor in the battle against the Fit.