Friday, December 21, 2012

Donate to the NRA by shopping at "Freedom Firearms Retail Gun Emporium"

Dear Gun Slinger,

Please increase sales of handguns, semi-automatic rifles, shotguns, bullets and other artillery by donating to the NRA today!  That's right. The government don't got your back - you gotta protect your own, boy! So pause that episode of "Boogeymen in Your Backyard" and get in your truck. Come on now, you know damn well "Mass Murder Headlines" will be rebroadcast later tonight. It is time to increase your artillery - get to it! Seriously get off your ass. You can watch the "Kill Hard" trilogy again later, that is why you bought the DVD signature, platinum-gold boxed set, remember?

Okay, good, got you off the couch. Now, pull out that tampon - strap on that snakeskin belt - grab your bill fold and start gassing it towards one of our fine retailing partners like "Freedom Firearms Retail Gun Emporium". Located at the corner of Arms Street and 2nd Avenue, Freedom Firearms is your one-stop shop to take care of all your irrational fears, misguided paranoia, and ignorant rage. 

Think that black man you made eye contact with last week, is still casing your pole barn? Go get him TONIGHT! - with a Serbu pump action from Freedom Firearms - just small enough to conceal in your bibs, while you follow him home to the ghetto or wherever the fuck he lives.

Have a feeling your wife is cheating on you? Come on down to Freedom Firearms and pick up one of our Saturday Night Specials, to make her night a little less special...without blowing all your cash in the process.

Or perhaps you're just plain tired of that faggoty, purple-haired hipster kid doting on your daughter; nothing that a high-powered rifle through his Euro-trash car window can't fix. 

We don't really care to know your motive, we just wanna sell you more guns and ammo; so keep your personal shit, personal and we'll stay profitable.  So long as it'll be your first time shooting a stranger, a wife, or a punk, the law says you have a right lock, load and unload, and we don't gotta know nuthin' about it. be clear, just because our guns and ammo sales WILL spike after customers like you go on a murderous rampage, please do not look to us for positive acknowledgement afterwards. We'll be too busy taking the opportunity to sell your neighbor a gun based on the fear you instilled in him, while simultaneously writing press releases, employing gratuitous combinations of nouns and verbs like, "prayers", "thoughts", "hearts", "sadness", "freedom", "security", "protection", "God", "justice", and "rights". 

Okay, so get to Freedom Firearms today and don't forget their slogan, "If you stand your ground, we'll sell you another round."  Now go on boy, exercise that 2nd Amendment. Lord knows you ain't exercising much else these days!



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