Response to "You may Be a Muslim"

After recently receiving an email forward entitled "You may be a Muslim" inspired by Jeff Foxworthy, I saw it as my Christian American duty to respond with a modified version entitled: "You may be an American Christian". This entry is followed by the original Muslim version.

"You may be a Christian American"

1. You continue to sell widgets for a living that do nothing good for anyone except your bank account, but you have a moral objection when the government doesn't give you a tax break for it
You may be a Christian American

2. You own $600,000 mortgage and a $60,000 Mercedes, and you can't afford either
You may be a Christian American

3. You've been divorced 3 times, yet have a problem with same-sex marriage
You may be a Christian American

4. You buy jewelry that was harvested by kids killing each other with machine guns in Africa, but you consider Africa it's own problem
You may be a Christian American

5. You understand the world as two parts: American and scary
You may be a Christian American

6. You can't think of any of your friends that know anything about Muslims or much about anything outside of some fairy tale about Jesus
You may be a Christian American

7. You don't consider television dangerous, and carry on believing everything that it spits out at you, because you haven't had an original thought since the day you bought the "American Dream"
You may be a Christian American

8. You were amazed to discover that forwarding emails like this are one of the reasons terrorists exist
You may be a Christian American

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should have at least four mistresses.
You may be a Christian American

10. You are clearly dumber than the President of the United States (I know his long-term goals are hard to understand and it stifles your simple, selfish, short-term motivations)
You may be a Christian American

11. You find this email unpatriotic and feel insecure/angry after reading it and don't forward it because you're afraid it might be true
You may be a Christian American

"You may be a Muslim"

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes..
You may be a Muslim

3. You have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim

10. Your cousin is president of the United States .
You may be a Muslim

11. You find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.
You may be a Muslim